Over the past few months though that has ALL changed, I feel like I have changed or at least something inside of me has.
Don't get me wrong I am not overweight, in fact I weigh in just right for my height and build but I'm still not happy. People look at me and wonder why I'm moaning or even worrying about my weight but the truth is I don't know why, I just see my 'not flat' stomach and hate it.
Joining a gym and working out three times a week didn't work for me, my weight fell yet I noticed no physical difference at all. My doctor complained that I was dropping below my ideal weight and he was starting to worry so I stopped going to the gym altogether.
My diet consists of Junk food, it always has for as long as I can remember and always will but I used to enjoy what I ate. This isn't the case anymore as I no longer get this enjoyment from my food. In fact I now get the complete opposite feeling of guilt and frustration.
I don't like vegetables, I may eat a potato every now and then but thats it. I don't really eat any fruit either, just the odd apple when I feel like something different. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, I guess I went from being a fussy eater child to a fussy eater adult.
It's too late for me to change, I'm 32 and way too old to change my old habits. The fact is I don't like a lot of foods and tend to stick to the same old rubbish. I only really eat chicken as I don't like red meat. I eat a lot of takeaway, chinese, pizza, curries. You name it, I eat it!
I've always wondered whether I'm addicted to junk food or whether I'm just plain lazy and need a good kick up the bottom to get this sorted. Either way something's gotta give.
Although I eat a lot of junk food, I don't eat huge amounts of it at one time. I tend to eat little but often. I've tried to cut back on eating this sort of food but that often ends badly and results in me not eating at all which has got to be much worse for me.
Like I said, my weight isn't my issue here. My stomach is! I see girls in pretty summer dresses and want to look like that. I see girls in shorts and mini skirts and want to wear them too. I see magazines and pop stars looking trim in their bikinis and so long to be like them.
I don't think food is my issue here, I hold my hands up and say it aloud. My problem comes from within, it's a total lack of confidence and love for myself right now. If only I could get myself to feel happy with who I am then none of this would matter like it hasn't my whole life.
There's a new personal fitness training place that has opened up near to where I live, maybe I should go and see them. Maybe they could show me a way to tone my stomach without having to lose too much weight. I think if I could flatten my stomach just a little bit then I'd feel a whole lot better and stop worrying.
As much as I wish the old me would just come back and embrace who I am at this point in my life, the old me who didn't care what anyone else thought. I'm not sure where she went or even when she disappeared but I want her back! I miss her!
Food's no fun anymore and I hate that. I want to enjoy my food again and taste the amazing flavours that the world has to offer. I want to eat what I want and when I want without feeling 'ergh' afterwards. I can hear lots of you shouting at me through my computer 'You are what you eat' and yes I know that you are right but I am me and I cannot change what I like and don't like now. Old habits die hard or in my case, never die!
In my mind I now have two choices, either I can try harder to improve my physical appearance ( my mummy tummy ) or I can try to find a way to change my diet which would be the harder choice of the two.
Whatever happens, I know I need to do something. I cannot go on like this.
I'm miserable inside. I just want to feel happy again!