Little Lies that Keep Me Awake at Night
(Warning - Rant Post)
Last night, I couldn't sleep. I lay awake for hours with a head full of 'stuff' that I just couldn't clear out my mind. When I was a little girl I used to dream about the day I'd get married and would even play dress us with my Mum's net curtain on my head for my veil. Growing up, I looked forward to trying on the dresses and searching for the perfect tiara head piece. I was that little girl that every American Movie shows who was obsessed with Weddings and had already planned out every little detail, maybe not in a cliche Scrap Book but in my head.
Back to today though, at the 'not getting any younger' age of 35. I often find myself wondering if I will ever get Married? I mean, I'm 35 - that's no spring chicken any more. I never saw myself as an 'older' bride. I'm sick of going to parties and events where I get asked the same question every time, 'When are you getting married?' and having to LIE!
I go into protection mode and string a load of lies together to change the conversation as quickly as I can. I say the usual, 'Who needs to get married?' 'I'm happy as I am' garbage.
But who am I kidding!
I don't want to be a 'girlfriend' for the rest of my life. I want to be a 'wife'.
I think I've spent so long telling these little lies to protect myself from the truth but lately they've really been bothering me. So much so, that I can't sleep at night. It's making me quite emotional. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because Christmas is approaching and I have to brace myself for all the 'I'm Engaged' or 'I said Yes' posts all over my Social Media.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I am happy for them but I guess I'm also a little jealous.
In my head. I've never wanted a BIG wedding but I do want that pretty Princess Dress and that Sparkly Princess Tiara and that long flowing Veil like they have in the Movies.
If I know what I want, then why is it so darn hard to say it out loud?
I know for a fact that at the next party I go too, when asked that question, I'm going to spurt out the same old lies that I always do, knowing deep down that I don't mean a single word that I'm saying but I don't want to be the one they all feel sorry for or the one who's just not good enough for someone to want to marry. I guess It's just easier and safer to lie.
I guess life doesn't always go to plan or turn out the way we might want it too.
But that's life... Sorry, rant over - Ignore me x